Thoughts from 40,000 Feet

If you are going to follow along during my journey with God in Australia, I need to be honest with you. This isn't a finished story and it won't be wrapped up with a bow. Every bit of me wishes it was because I hate unfinished stories. But alas, I am one. Welcome.

Three months ago, just after I applied for YWAM, I started acknowledging a separation between God and me that had been present for a while but that I'd ignored. I have been less interested in what the Bible says, indifferent about learning God's character and disregarding of his hopes for my life. I grew up in the local church and typically have loved spending time writing and reading God's Word. That is no longer the case. Reading's become boring and I've rolled my eyes too many times to count. The things which used to come easily and helped me know God better (like writing and reading) have become a chore and are draining. It's lead me to wonder how the spark will return to my relationship with God.

As I've thought about these things, other questions have come up:

Who am I really?

Who is Jesus really?

Do I actually care about Jesus?

What do I want to do with my life? Does that change if I choose Jesus?

Has my time in the local church done any good?

What do I agree with and disagree with in evangelical church culture?

Do short-term missions (which I quantify as anything under 2 years) have value?

What does God's voice sound like?

There are a lot more, but you get the gist. The girl who has never questioned is asking questions now. And she has a lot of questions.

Asking questions is an isolating experience. Scrutinizing the church is taboo and can make people really mad. But to question what we're immersed in is to do exactly what Jesus called us to- test the spirits! To get caught up in what your local church is doing without evaluating it is the same as jumping off a cliff because all of your friends do- it's irresponsible and doesn't make much sense. But to question the local church is scary, it's lonely, and it can hurt people's feelings. But it's also pretty bad ass, if I do say so myself. My doubts make me human and they're a real part of my life right now. I have no reason to be ashamed of them.

When our friends and family question our faith it's uncomfortable. It shines a light on the things we've avoided in our faith which is really scary; but the next time you hear someone say they're questioning, question with them. It's likely they already feel like they're doing something wrong. You don't need to fix them, either. They're not broken. I'm not extra messed up because I'm questioning God- I'm a human. Let's be humans together!