hurt

The word itself is a growl. 

I think people are beginning to talk about pain and the realities of person-hood, which I'm glad for because it needs to be discussed. It's a beautiful thing to talk about pain, because lots of the world (me included) doesn't really know how to deal with it. I am going to try talking about it because I'm coming understand this whole "broken" thing better today than I did yesterday, which in itself is a reason to share, to teach, and to move around in this darkness as I attempt to see the Light on the path before me.

I've been an emotional roller coaster for the last several months. I have experienced deep joys, but deeper and more frequent sorrows. I have walked through the good and bad while attempting to live through craziness of life. I have questions about my future which have left my heart and mind so confused and exhausted that now I don't feel much of anything at all. Except for anxiety. There's lots of that.

It should be said that I'm a feeler. I most naturally experience and interact with the world and the Lord through my senses. But right now I don't feel much of anything which leaves my brain foggy. So now, I am trying to make sense of all of the changes and craziness with a perpetual fog in my mind. I have no idea how to do this thing I wake up to every day. None.

A normal, healthy Summer's experience of the world and of life is not what I experience today. Today I mull over questions and anxieties I never thought I would experience. I live with a fog which encompasses my brain, hindering me from engaging with people and with God in any sort of familiar way. Today I fight lie after lie, each poisoning my perception of the God who lives and the value of his creation- myself included. Today I fight a loneliness in the middle of me as I remind myself over and over that I am not alone, that I AM is with me, that He is not hidden or out to get me, but that He is out to love me passionately.

I ache for the future. Really, I ache for assurance in decisions which have yet to be made. I ache for the relationships that have yet to be and for the peace God has promised. I'll feel it soon enough. But until then, I'll write and pray and do my best to bee content in this crazy season. There's lots of grace in that.

Oh Jesus, come soon--

To earth or to my aid.