escape

**language warning**

The following post is a cry I made to the Lord during an incredibly difficult week at the end of my senior year of college. God has continued to move and has answered my cry for joy since the original writing of this post in May of 2017. 

How do you see this as useful? How do you rectify this? This ache- it's lived in me for so long, like a parasite, slowly eating away at my spirit. Joy is a joke. Love seems impossible. Sitting and waiting is a foreign concept always, but to sit and wait here?? Are you kidding me? I don't want to sit here. I'm sitting like Job was- on a pile of dung. I smell, it's starting to dry on my skin and it itches. It's putrid and disgusting. My heart feels like how I look, though. But that's why I want to move. If I can move away from this place maybe, just maybe I'll be able to feel again. Right? Right, Jesus?

I told you yesterday that I feel like a flower moments away from blooming. I know there is value in every second, but why can't i just be beautiful?? I want to look like all the people around me- some ripped petals, maybe, but bloomed and ready to show the world what you've done in me. I guess that means I have to wait for you to do something, doesn't it? It means I can't move until you move me. SO MOVE ME. I don't want to sit here anymore. I want to run, to flee, to feel whole again.

If you're the one who makes me whole, how come I feel so empty? Why do I feel like I'm alone here? There's no one, not even the people who know me, sitting here with me. My best friends are sleeping and walking with their boyfriends. The man who says he loves me is on the other side of a phone and a 1,600 mile drive. But all I've had from him the last few days is uncomfortable small talk. I don't want that. I want people who are right there- not only speaking love but also showing it. Pulling me in when I run from everyone. I don't know what it'd be like if people read my mind, but now is a moment when I wish people would. Not everyone. Just my people.

To feel whole again. Oh, to not worry about every step I take, because my "fear is fucking violent." Why should I follow? Why should I, if this is what I get? I feel like I've been thrown to lions. But not everything is up to me, is it? Where are you, then?

Jesus, where are you?

Am I still beside you?

Am I still beside you?

Jesus where are you?

Jesus where are you?

I'm right beside you-

I feel what you feel!

I'm here to hold when death is too real.

You know, I died too.

I was terrified.

I gave myself for you.

I was crucified

because I love you.

I love you, child.

I love you.

You're right beside me? really? Why do I feel alone? I don't want to wait to feel you here. I feel like David calling out for you. "O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you, turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave... I am like a man without strength... You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves. you have taken me from my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you... But I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me? ...Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me. All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me. You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend."

The next line is the next Psalm. "I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself." Help this be the cry of my heart. I'm so tired of crying out in the night.